anahorvath.com

Tag: Mental health

  • Meeting Goals!

    Meeting Goals!

    This past week, I finally met a goal of mine that I have had for an incredibly long time: I hit my goal weight. While this used to be something so meaningful to me, I have come to realize that there are other places where meeting goals are much more important. There are bigger and better things to focus on than how much I weigh. There’s a lot I have to say reflecting on my journey to this point and all of the details associated with that, so if you’re looking to learn more about my mental and physical journey over the past year or so, stick around!

    I’d like to say that when I began my fitness/lifestyle journey when I felt that the biggest thing to me was to lose weight. I was fairly unhappy with how I looked as a result of some things that have happened in my past and as a result of incredibly low self-confidence. I had this idea in my head that becoming a certain weight would make me happier. And now that I’m at that point, I am happy, but it is NOT because of that goal I had set for myself over three years ago. Just because past Ana had this desire to be a certain weight, and current Ana has met that, it doesn’t mean all my problems are solved. It also doesn’t mean that I’m the most confident person in the world either. There is a lot that I still feel I need to work on, but I’m very happy with all the progress I’ve made. There is so much more that I have come to realize over the past year and that is what I am much happier about.

    As I have developed a more sustainable workout routine and worked on how to properly fuel my body, I have realized that there are more important things to focus on than what I weigh. There are more vital things to look at like moving my body for at least 30 minutes every day/getting a good workout in 5 days a week, drinking enough water, and eating when I’m hungry. If you’re also in a place where you feel like you want to make improvements for yourself, there are a few things I think you should focus on most:

    • How much water you drink. I go for around 100 oz of water, but again this is for me!
    • How many hours of sleep you get. This is when your mind and muscles recover!!
    • How often you move your body. Aim for 30 minutes a day at least and 4-5 days a week. Do what works best for you though and do what you think will be most sustainable!
    • Eat when you’re hungry. Food is fuel and your body needs it to function properly. I give my body what it wants and I know how to balance things out.

    While my body has been changing quite a bit in its composition over the past year, I think that I have also changed a lot of things mentally, and that has been the most impactful. It can be really hard to stay consistent and positive when you aren’t seeing what you want right away. It can be challenging to stick to what you’ve been doing when you see others progressing faster in a shorter period of time. What I’ve come to realize is that my journey is my journey. There is no need to focus on anyone but yourself when you’re working to improve yourself. Making progress more slowly is more sustainable for me and I know that I’m creating good habits with the things I’ve been doing.

    Meeting goals, whether they’re big or small is huge. Celebrate every little milestone and accomplishment you make because you’re so worth it! I hope you’re able to take something away from this post and just remember that no matter what you’re doing or what you’re working toward, your journey is your’s and your’s alone. Focus on doing what will allow you to improve and grow and good things will come. Have a good week. ❤️

  • Fighting with Food

    fighting with food

    I find it funny that last week’s post was about food and how much I love this one protein shake I’ve figured that I really like. Now here we are, talking about what I realized this past week as I’ve worked through fighting with food. I feel like I’m finally winning this fight. 🙂

    As I’ve focused more on my fitness and developing a sustainable routine for my lifestyle, I realized how some of the things I’ve done in my life have really affected my relationship with food and with myself overall. In particular, pageantry and modeling have created a strange complex that has made me feel angry and frustrated with myself for not always eating “clean” or healthy. So if I were to eat a cookie, for example, to treat myself after an exam or rough day with classes or something, I might enjoy that cookie in the moment but later feel disgusted with myself for allowing myself to have that extra sugar and junk in my body. I might work out harder the next day or make my lunch or dinner somewhat smaller the next day to compensate for that which is SO WRONG. And I have just now realized that.

    Since freshman year of college, I have been struggling and fighting myself so hard every time I eat something that my mind has decided to deem as “unclean” or “unhealthy”. I’ve always been a bit lenient on special occasions like birthdays and other celebrations. I have always allowed myself to relax a bit then, but in general, I have been so rough with myself in terms of food because I thought needed to be that way in order to look a certain way. While I have learned that I can cut out certain foods and feel good, I have also learned that I’m much more miserable by restricting myself to the salad bar and produce aisle at the grocery store. I haven’t been happy feeling afraid of eating certain things. There hasn’t been progress made by fighting with food like I have, so I knew something had to change. And no, it was not my diet. It was my mindset.

    Ever since I began working with my trainer, I feel like my eyes have opened so much more and I am so thankful to have her and my mom in my life. They have both helped me so much with building a better relationship with food and I really cannot thank them enough for helping me with this. I feel like my fighting with food has become much less of a fight and I’m so much happier for it. While I still restrict or limit certain things, I feel much more free with my eating. There is much less shame, frustration, and anger associated with allowing certain foods every once in a while which is amazing and I’m so happy that I’ve had this change in mindset. It has not been easy to reach this point, but we are here and we are in a much healthier position with food now which I am so happy to say.

    I’ve substituted pasta for rice and quinoa because of how much more rice and quinoa can give me nutritionally. And there are still days where I really just want spaghetti or penne. What do I do in situations like this? I make myself what I want! It might be gluten-free or whole wheat, because that benefits me more and I’ve found works better for me and what my goals are, and that’s ok! I’m ok with it! And what if I’m at a restaurant and I’m really wanting pasta? I allow myself to have it. I allow it because I know this is a once-in-a-while thing and that this one meal isn’t going to cause me to gain five pounds or lose any progress. I’ve learned to avoid milk because it causes inflammation and irritates my stomach. Instead, I have substituted that for oat and almond milk. I still enjoy ice cream though. 😉 That’s too hard to give up haha. Again, in moderation it can’t hurt me too bad! I’ve increased my fiber and protein intake and that’s because I have goals set for myself. I focus on including more veggies and meats or eggs on my plate and I’m much happier for that.

    There are some days where I feel like I deserve a piece of chocolate or two. I allow myself that treat and I move on with it! I work out the same amount I have been for the past seven months and I feel no pressure to work out extra to work off those calories. And why is that? I now know that I’m not eating large amounts of chocolate every day. There is moderation. This was a one-time thing and if it becomes more of a habit, it’s something I can work on and learn to manage. This is something so important to keep in mind and is something I wish I had allowed myself to think about in the past.

    As mentioned earlier, I am truly so thankful to have people like my mom and trainer in my life. They have helped me build healthier relationships with food and working out, but most importantly with myself. I am finally learning to honor my body and love myself. I am feeling like a more confident and free person for it. Of course, there are still days where I struggle and I still have moments where I’m frustrated or upset, but I recognize that it’s okay to have days like that. I truck along, keep moving forward, and keep working hard. And I encourage you all to do the same. See you next weekend.

  • A Breakthrough!!

    I don’t know what it was, but something amazing happened this past week and I think I’ve made a breakthrough! I’ll just go ahead and share what I wrote in my workout journal. 🙂 I might edit it so it makes a bit more sense formatting-wise and for this post as I upload it today. Again, I’m pretty sore today but today’s soreness makes me feel so proud of where I’m at now. 🙂

    I’m down almost two pounds from last weekend?! Not that weight matters an extreme amount but I’m genuinely surprised. I was going for 100 lbs with my bench press but I don’t think it happened and that’s ok! I believe I benched around 75 lbs and that’s still a PR!! 🙂 (Sidenote: My previous personal record, or PR, was 65 lbs for those of you that were wondering and I’ve been making good gains with my upper body as of lately, so my trainer and I thought it was doable.) I honestly think I had a breakthrough this past week. I don’t know what it was but I’m starting to feel better about myself. Yes, I am still working on things and I am also still extremely hard on myself but I’m learning and I’m making big improvements. I wasn’t too worried about food this week as far as worrying I was eating too much or too little which is a step in the right direction if you ask me. (Another sidenote: I’ve never been obsessed about tracking my food or anything but as I’ve started working out more I would definitely say that I’ve become a bit more aware of what I eat and sometimes it feels wrong eating certain things because I worry about it affecting my progress. Working to adjust that mindset has been challenging but I think we are making good progress with that!!) I just told myself that as long as I’m eating a lot of fiber and protein (and still including carbs!) then I’m good. As long as I see veggies and fruits on my plate, I’m good!

    And with this thinking, I’ve actually started noticing changes with my body. The biggest for me has been around my hips and lower back which is where I’ve carried a decent amount of fat. Suddenly this week, things felt much slimmer to me! And I was able to fit into a pair of pants that I wore during my pageant times and I know that I weighed less than I do currently!! My trainer told me that I shouldn’t worry so much about what the scale says, and I agree because that doesn’t mean everything. She said that I should focus more on how things are fitting. Since I started working with her, I have definitely noticed a difference with that but just now and am I really starting to celebrate and feel proud of the accomplishments I’ve made. Workouts are still feeling good and I think it has really helped that I’m incorporating walks and yoga into my workout routines too. I think that has helped me learn to appreciate and honor my body more. 🙂

    Now we’re back to me writing in the current time. Yay for this breakthrough!! I really am so proud of the progress I’ve made thus far. It bothers me that it took me this long to see it but I’m glad that I’m finally getting there. I’m so happy that I’ve made this breakthrough and I’m truly very excited and so motivated to see where we go from here. If any of you out there are working to accomplish something, do not give up. Dig in and get to work. You may not see progress and things may feel hard but others notice and you will eventually see it too. See you all next weekend. 🙂

  • Feeling Lonely

    lonely
    Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

    I go home a lot of weekends but I decided to stay at school this weekend to work on a group exam for one of my classes and something I’ve dealt with a lot this past week has been loneliness. Something that I’ve really had a chance to experience this past semester and this semester so far has been a lot of alone time. Sometimes I’ve found that feeling lonely is ok and sometimes it feels refreshing to be on my own. Other times, it doesn’t feel so good and I know I’m not the only person that feels this way, especially as we navigate this pandemic.

    From time to time, as I said earlier, it feels really good to be by yourself. You have only you and your own thoughts to occupy yourself with. You have time to focus on you and you alone. You have time to take care of yourself and maybe really focus on something that needs to be finished.

    Other times, feeling lonely makes you really sad. Even if you talk over text or the phone, it isn’t the same as truly interacting in person with another person. Something this pandemic has done is isolate people, whether you like that or not. We are farther apart from our friends and extended families. We are unable to interact in ways we have in the past. And even if you get a chance to be with others for some time, that time is so short in comparison to the time that you are by yourself.

    Sometimes when I’m lonely, I feel like get in my head way too much. My insecurities take over and that makes me feel really yucky inside. I know that sometimes it’s okay to be sad but lately, I haven’t liked the feelings that loneliness brings up. To cheer myself up and feel less lonely, it really does help to talk to someone on the phone, even if you aren’t seeing each other face to face. It’s at least some form of interaction and I’m able to get some feelings and thoughts out of my head. I’ve also found it helpful to go for walks and workout. That’s a way to naturally make yourself more happy and free. I’ve found that trying to busy myself when I’m feeling lonely by cleaning or doing homework is only really ever a distraction and doesn’t work well for me. I might get stuff done but it doesn’t make me feel better often.

    I await the day that classes are back in person completely. I wait for the days where we can meet with family and friends without much of a worry. I know these days will come soon and that there will be good things ahead for all of us. If you’re ever feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re most definitely not alone. Have a good week and I’ll see you all next weekend.

  • Fitness Journey Update

    fitness journey update

    On July 26, I posted that I was going to start working with a personal trainer to help me find a sustainable and healthy workout routine. If you’d like to read that post here’s the link to it! FITNESS JOURNEY BEGINNING! Not only that, but I had the goal of adjusting my eating habits and working to create more healthy lifestyle habits for myself. Here we are, now on October 25. I’ve been working with my trainer for about three months now and I just wanted to give a little fitness journey update!

    I think the hardest thing for me this past three months has been training my mindset. I’m easily motivated to workout and hardly find myself having to force myself to do my workouts, but I struggle with the progress part of this whole process. After dealing with such painfully-slow healing with my injuries in high school, my patience has really been cut short and I get frustrated easily when I don’t see progress or improvement quickly. There have been moments where I’ve stared at myself in the mirror and still hated what I see but I’ve noticed that I’m feeling that way, less and less as I’ve been working out more. I still struggle with my patience but I’m starting to appreciate the process and celebrate the small progressions and little victories. When I first started with my trainer, I was tracking my activity in a log but now with my watch, I just track my workouts from there. In my log, I was tracking the little victories I had and I think that’s part of the reason I’m starting to see a more positive mindset when it comes to progress and I’m starting to be a bit kinder to myself.

    My favorite thing to do is look back on that activity log and see those little sprinkles of positivity. Like on August 22nd, I did bench squats for the first time and that was my first time ever lifting truly heavy weight. I squatted 95 pounds that day. When I first started in the gym, I was mainly working with 10 and 15 pound weights during arm circuits and arm workouts but it was really tough. For being a tennis player and also setter during my volleyball years, I’m shocked my upper body strength was so weak!! That has been one of the main focuses of the time with my trainer. Upper. Body. Strength. On September 19th, I wrote that I was finally able to EASILY work with the 15 pound weights. Good day. 🙂 The next weekend, my trainer noted that my core was clearly stronger because I was able to do an exercise that I hadn’t been able to do when I first started working with her. That was something that made me really happy. In October, some of the highlights came from October 2nd where I wrote that I didn’t expect myself to be able to do wide leg squats with a 65 pound kettlebell as easily as I did. I also bench pressed for the first time that week and lifted 55 pounds. Not much, but a good start. I also did some core stuff with these weird elbow sock things where you dangle off of the ground and I found those really fun. I stopped tracking my activity after I got my Galaxy Watch 3 for my birthday since my watch can do that for me, but I still note the little things that motivate me to push myself harder. Like last weekend, my delts were really starting to get some definition and just yesterday, I bench squatted 125 pounds, setting a new PR for myself. I was really proud of that. This fitness journey has been no joke. I’ve been really sore some days but I love the feeling of being sore. It means things are working and progress is being made!!

    When this all began, my first few workouts were very full-body focused and as I’ve progressed, the days have become more focused on arms, legs, triceps/back, glutes/back, and cardio. I appreciate the focused days, especially arm days. They suck but I find myself enjoying those the most because I feel like I die the least on arm days haha. My trainer has also been such an important part of this whole fitness journey. She’s an amazing person and I’m so happy to consider her not only a mentor but also a friend. She has done so much for me and I love getting to workout with her and laugh and have fun, even when she’s killing me with the intense workouts.

    I’ve really tried to refrain from making the goal of all of this to lose weight. That’s not what this is about. I’ve told myself that I’m working to get stronger mentally and physically. With that said however, I have lost 8 pounds to this day. I see and feel strength in my arms and core and my legs are feeling a bit tighter. As I mentioned a little before, I feel better about myself but I still have some things to work on regarding the mental aspect of this all.

    Regarding food, I try to stick to the same things when I’m at school. Breakfast is avocado toast with two poached eggs and I try to add some sort of sausage or other protein when I can. For lunch and dinner, it varies, but I’ve cut out pasta (unless it’s whole wheat) and have really tried to up my protein and fiber intake. I eat a lot of salads and soups and have really enjoyed making use of my air fryer to help keep vegetables and also potatoes more fun and hopefully more healthy. As far as sugar intake goes, I really limit that in the mornings because in the past, that’s where I’ve taken in a lot of sugar whether that was from some sugary coffee/tea drink or a pastry or some sweet yogurt, etc. I still enjoy sweets occasionally, but I’ve found that I’m just a lot less inclined to eat sweets now. I still do really enjoy the occasional trip to Starbucks though, I will say that.

    From the past three months, I’m most happy to see my mindset begin to transform. Nothing comes overnight and this is something my mom has told me over and over again but in the past, I’ve just been frustrated by that comment because I wanted results that instant so I could be happy with myself again. Sometimes, I still feel that way, but it’s all getting better. Some things just take time and it’s so much more worth it to celebrate the little victories and enjoy the progress. Have a good week everyone.

  • The Stress of the COVID-19 Test

    Recently, my apartment complex had to be tested for COVID-19 as a result of wastewater testing and I have a little story to share regarding that. Good news is, I’m negative, first of all. Second, I hope you are all staying healthy and doing the best you can to stay sane and optimistic during these weird times in the world.

    Story time!! I received an email from my university’s housing services requiring mandatory COVID-19 testing. Understandable. I scheduled my test and was able to get in the next day. The test was self-administered meaning that I had the joy and pleasure of sticking a swab up my nose til I felt a little bit of pressure and then swirling it around a few times on both sides. Following that, I had to carefully break off the little tip with all my nose gunk on it and seal it in a little tube with some liquid and then place my tube in a biohazard bag that then went into a little cooler. Easy peasy. Yes it did hurt a little, but I’m thankful that my school offered a quick and free test for students. I hope following that experience, I never have to be tested again, but only time will tell.

    The test itself wasn’t difficult, as I mentioned, it was the thoughts that led up to my test and those that followed as I waited for my results back. The convenient thing about the testing ordered by my university, was the turn-around of results. I heard back that my test was negative a little after 24 hours. I absolutely DREADED waiting to get my results back though. Yes, I have been asymptomatic. Yes, I have been wearing my mask and following all CDC guidelines and procedures to the best of my ability. Yes, I have been doing whatever I can to maintain a happy and healthy physical and mental state. But still, the thought of, “What if I have this virus and have to quarantine in my apartment all by myself?” loomed over me from the moment I got the email requiring testing to the moment I got the email with my results back. I had all this anxiety and nervousness about what I would have to do if I did have COVID-19 and I absolutely hated how on-edge and stressed out I was.

    Like I said, I was pretty confident that I didn’t have the virus, but I thought a lot about, “Well, what if you’re just not showing symptoms? But you might be the kind of person to show symptoms, considering that you have asthma.” And then my head went in the direction of, “What if you really are forced to quarantine? Are we going to have enough food for two weeks?! What do I do if I can’t leave my apartment to get food but I’m all out?!” There was just a lot of unnecessary stress and panic. Maybe some of you can relate. The feeling of not knowing is a really scary and stressful feeling. In the end, I am grateful for my health and that negative result.

    I’m not quite sure what can be done to alleviate the stress associated with being tested for COVID-19, or if anyone else has felt like they were in a similar situation, but it would be interesting to know how you all are dealing with this. And if you have been tested, how has that been? I just hope you all are staying happy and healthy. Take care of yourselves this week!! See you next Sunday. 🙂

  • The Beginning of a New Journey

    Very few people know this, but I wouldn’t consider myself to be extremely self-confident, especially when it comes to my body and how I appear. I’ve never felt very comfortable sharing just because I never want people to think that I’m just complaining or trying to make the world all about me. I’ve always wished to have the confidence that so many people I know seem to have and I just find it embarrassing that I’m not in that place. I’m also not typically the type of person to share a lot about myself because my entire life, I’ve strived to be perfect and I’ve never wanted people to see a sad, frustrated, or defeated side of me. I’ve been working on accepting that perfection is truly unobtainable, but it’s hard and has been a rough journey!

    I recently decided that I’m sharing my struggles because I’ve decided to invest some time and energy into improving my physical state. It’s not good to bottle up all those negative feelings and emotions and so I’ve decided to do something about it. Being injured throughout high school resulted in a lot of inactivity for me, which was very unusual. I went from dancing competitively, playing volleyball on a competitive team, and also playing tennis at a very competitive level to sitting and doing absolutely nothing faster than you can blink when I found out I fractured my sesamoid. I continued to eat as if I was trying to maintain my three-sport lifestyle but since I wasn’t actually burning all of the calories I was used to burning, I gained quite a bit of weight. When I was finally cleared after my ankle surgery about a year-and-a-half later, I was decently more heavy than when I entered high school and my self-confidence had tanked.

    Yes, I had the ability to play tennis, but everything else had been wiped off the table. Things were slow and in my opinion, they felt too slow. Fast forward to freshman year of college- I was still struggling with my weight but I received the opportunity to compete at the Miss Colorado USA pageant. I saw this as an opportunity to better myself, physically and mentally, and see how much I could do to prepare my body for the competition. There is a swimsuit competition, as many of you know that keep up with the Miss Universe Organization and its pageants, so you would be familiar with this. Even before my freshman year of college, I decided to dedicate my time to working on my fitness. And I did! I worked out a decent amount and ate cleaner (which was hard in the dorms), and I managed to lose about 15 pounds, which I was pretty proud of. By the time the Miss Colorado USA pageant rolled around, I was in a place where progress had been made, but I still wasn’t happy with myself.

    Following the pageant, I still worked out a decent amount, but there wasn’t the same motivation I had for the pageant. I relaxed a bit but was proud to see that I hadn’t gained any weight back. Now let’s move on to the beginning of sophomore year. Same situation. Again, I prepped for the Miss Colorado USA pageant, as I did the year before. This time, I picked up kickboxing and started working out more on a treadmill. I really came to love and enjoy kickboxing actually, so that’s something I’d like to continue to incorporate into my fitness routine. Anyway, pageant time rolls around and I had decided to wear a two-piece suit this year instead of a one-piece. I thought I had made decent progress and so I made the move to wear a cute golden yellow two piece by Gianni Bini. It was a pretty cute swimsuit, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly wear it again.

    As we got ready for the swimsuit competition in the dressing room, I realized how big of a mistake that was. One of the girls in front of me stared down at herself and commented, “Oh my goodness I feel so fat next to all of these-” I looked around and noticed all the toned thighs and tight tummies and shrank into myself. This girl looked up at me and then around the room and that’s when she stopped talking. Me, in that moment, thought that she suddenly felt better about herself because she looked at me and saw that she had much fewer problems than I did. Looking back on that, that was a REALLY unhealthy and sad thought for me to have. I tried to shake off the thoughts I had and when I walked out on stage, I felt pretty good about myself. However, all confidence or self-assurance I had was lost the second I got my pictures back.

    I looked at myself and was honestly disgusted. I started crying. I saw stretch marks on my big, strange thighs. I saw the extra fat I have hanging slightly over the bottoms of my swimsuit. My false lashes looked horrible and my smile looked fake. The person I saw on my computer screen was not the person I had felt like. In that moment, I felt like I couldn’t trust the confidence I thought I was building anymore. Since that moment, I’ve had a really, really, really hard time finding any confidence in myself, especially in the way I appear. I’ve tried to wear more loose clothing to conceal my dislikes and as I write this and reflect on everything now, it’s really sad that I’ve felt like this about myself.

    Things weren’t too great for my self-confidence when we all went into lockdown either. I couldn’t go to the gym and I couldn’t play tennis either. Any work I had done and any progress I had made was seriously lost. Currently, I’m sitting at an unhealthy, overweight BMI and yes I find frustration with it and I’m upset by it and how I appear, but I’ve decided to do something about it.

    I recently found a gym in my area that only operates through personal trainers. After speaking with the director of the gym, he matched me with one of his personal trainers and I start on Tuesday. I’ve been looking for something like this for a while now, because I’m at a place now where I really just feel like I can’t be my own cheerleader and supporter, so I need someone else to be there for me and to help me out. From this, I hope to find confidence in myself and mostly, I hope to be kinder to myself. I hope that I find solutions and build habits for the long-term. I was tired of feeling so upset and frustrated with myself, so I decided it was time to make a change. Let’s hope it’s for the better!

    If you’re interested in following the fitness journey, let me know! I’d love to share the progress (hopefully there is some) and the things I learn along the way. This could be interesting. Be kind to each other and yourselves this week. See you all next Sunday.