anahorvath.com

Tag: confidence

  • Fighting with Food

    fighting with food

    I find it funny that last week’s post was about food and how much I love this one protein shake I’ve figured that I really like. Now here we are, talking about what I realized this past week as I’ve worked through fighting with food. I feel like I’m finally winning this fight. 🙂

    As I’ve focused more on my fitness and developing a sustainable routine for my lifestyle, I realized how some of the things I’ve done in my life have really affected my relationship with food and with myself overall. In particular, pageantry and modeling have created a strange complex that has made me feel angry and frustrated with myself for not always eating “clean” or healthy. So if I were to eat a cookie, for example, to treat myself after an exam or rough day with classes or something, I might enjoy that cookie in the moment but later feel disgusted with myself for allowing myself to have that extra sugar and junk in my body. I might work out harder the next day or make my lunch or dinner somewhat smaller the next day to compensate for that which is SO WRONG. And I have just now realized that.

    Since freshman year of college, I have been struggling and fighting myself so hard every time I eat something that my mind has decided to deem as “unclean” or “unhealthy”. I’ve always been a bit lenient on special occasions like birthdays and other celebrations. I have always allowed myself to relax a bit then, but in general, I have been so rough with myself in terms of food because I thought needed to be that way in order to look a certain way. While I have learned that I can cut out certain foods and feel good, I have also learned that I’m much more miserable by restricting myself to the salad bar and produce aisle at the grocery store. I haven’t been happy feeling afraid of eating certain things. There hasn’t been progress made by fighting with food like I have, so I knew something had to change. And no, it was not my diet. It was my mindset.

    Ever since I began working with my trainer, I feel like my eyes have opened so much more and I am so thankful to have her and my mom in my life. They have both helped me so much with building a better relationship with food and I really cannot thank them enough for helping me with this. I feel like my fighting with food has become much less of a fight and I’m so much happier for it. While I still restrict or limit certain things, I feel much more free with my eating. There is much less shame, frustration, and anger associated with allowing certain foods every once in a while which is amazing and I’m so happy that I’ve had this change in mindset. It has not been easy to reach this point, but we are here and we are in a much healthier position with food now which I am so happy to say.

    I’ve substituted pasta for rice and quinoa because of how much more rice and quinoa can give me nutritionally. And there are still days where I really just want spaghetti or penne. What do I do in situations like this? I make myself what I want! It might be gluten-free or whole wheat, because that benefits me more and I’ve found works better for me and what my goals are, and that’s ok! I’m ok with it! And what if I’m at a restaurant and I’m really wanting pasta? I allow myself to have it. I allow it because I know this is a once-in-a-while thing and that this one meal isn’t going to cause me to gain five pounds or lose any progress. I’ve learned to avoid milk because it causes inflammation and irritates my stomach. Instead, I have substituted that for oat and almond milk. I still enjoy ice cream though. 😉 That’s too hard to give up haha. Again, in moderation it can’t hurt me too bad! I’ve increased my fiber and protein intake and that’s because I have goals set for myself. I focus on including more veggies and meats or eggs on my plate and I’m much happier for that.

    There are some days where I feel like I deserve a piece of chocolate or two. I allow myself that treat and I move on with it! I work out the same amount I have been for the past seven months and I feel no pressure to work out extra to work off those calories. And why is that? I now know that I’m not eating large amounts of chocolate every day. There is moderation. This was a one-time thing and if it becomes more of a habit, it’s something I can work on and learn to manage. This is something so important to keep in mind and is something I wish I had allowed myself to think about in the past.

    As mentioned earlier, I am truly so thankful to have people like my mom and trainer in my life. They have helped me build healthier relationships with food and working out, but most importantly with myself. I am finally learning to honor my body and love myself. I am feeling like a more confident and free person for it. Of course, there are still days where I struggle and I still have moments where I’m frustrated or upset, but I recognize that it’s okay to have days like that. I truck along, keep moving forward, and keep working hard. And I encourage you all to do the same. See you next weekend.

  • The Beginning of a New Journey

    Very few people know this, but I wouldn’t consider myself to be extremely self-confident, especially when it comes to my body and how I appear. I’ve never felt very comfortable sharing just because I never want people to think that I’m just complaining or trying to make the world all about me. I’ve always wished to have the confidence that so many people I know seem to have and I just find it embarrassing that I’m not in that place. I’m also not typically the type of person to share a lot about myself because my entire life, I’ve strived to be perfect and I’ve never wanted people to see a sad, frustrated, or defeated side of me. I’ve been working on accepting that perfection is truly unobtainable, but it’s hard and has been a rough journey!

    I recently decided that I’m sharing my struggles because I’ve decided to invest some time and energy into improving my physical state. It’s not good to bottle up all those negative feelings and emotions and so I’ve decided to do something about it. Being injured throughout high school resulted in a lot of inactivity for me, which was very unusual. I went from dancing competitively, playing volleyball on a competitive team, and also playing tennis at a very competitive level to sitting and doing absolutely nothing faster than you can blink when I found out I fractured my sesamoid. I continued to eat as if I was trying to maintain my three-sport lifestyle but since I wasn’t actually burning all of the calories I was used to burning, I gained quite a bit of weight. When I was finally cleared after my ankle surgery about a year-and-a-half later, I was decently more heavy than when I entered high school and my self-confidence had tanked.

    Yes, I had the ability to play tennis, but everything else had been wiped off the table. Things were slow and in my opinion, they felt too slow. Fast forward to freshman year of college- I was still struggling with my weight but I received the opportunity to compete at the Miss Colorado USA pageant. I saw this as an opportunity to better myself, physically and mentally, and see how much I could do to prepare my body for the competition. There is a swimsuit competition, as many of you know that keep up with the Miss Universe Organization and its pageants, so you would be familiar with this. Even before my freshman year of college, I decided to dedicate my time to working on my fitness. And I did! I worked out a decent amount and ate cleaner (which was hard in the dorms), and I managed to lose about 15 pounds, which I was pretty proud of. By the time the Miss Colorado USA pageant rolled around, I was in a place where progress had been made, but I still wasn’t happy with myself.

    Following the pageant, I still worked out a decent amount, but there wasn’t the same motivation I had for the pageant. I relaxed a bit but was proud to see that I hadn’t gained any weight back. Now let’s move on to the beginning of sophomore year. Same situation. Again, I prepped for the Miss Colorado USA pageant, as I did the year before. This time, I picked up kickboxing and started working out more on a treadmill. I really came to love and enjoy kickboxing actually, so that’s something I’d like to continue to incorporate into my fitness routine. Anyway, pageant time rolls around and I had decided to wear a two-piece suit this year instead of a one-piece. I thought I had made decent progress and so I made the move to wear a cute golden yellow two piece by Gianni Bini. It was a pretty cute swimsuit, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly wear it again.

    As we got ready for the swimsuit competition in the dressing room, I realized how big of a mistake that was. One of the girls in front of me stared down at herself and commented, “Oh my goodness I feel so fat next to all of these-” I looked around and noticed all the toned thighs and tight tummies and shrank into myself. This girl looked up at me and then around the room and that’s when she stopped talking. Me, in that moment, thought that she suddenly felt better about herself because she looked at me and saw that she had much fewer problems than I did. Looking back on that, that was a REALLY unhealthy and sad thought for me to have. I tried to shake off the thoughts I had and when I walked out on stage, I felt pretty good about myself. However, all confidence or self-assurance I had was lost the second I got my pictures back.

    I looked at myself and was honestly disgusted. I started crying. I saw stretch marks on my big, strange thighs. I saw the extra fat I have hanging slightly over the bottoms of my swimsuit. My false lashes looked horrible and my smile looked fake. The person I saw on my computer screen was not the person I had felt like. In that moment, I felt like I couldn’t trust the confidence I thought I was building anymore. Since that moment, I’ve had a really, really, really hard time finding any confidence in myself, especially in the way I appear. I’ve tried to wear more loose clothing to conceal my dislikes and as I write this and reflect on everything now, it’s really sad that I’ve felt like this about myself.

    Things weren’t too great for my self-confidence when we all went into lockdown either. I couldn’t go to the gym and I couldn’t play tennis either. Any work I had done and any progress I had made was seriously lost. Currently, I’m sitting at an unhealthy, overweight BMI and yes I find frustration with it and I’m upset by it and how I appear, but I’ve decided to do something about it.

    I recently found a gym in my area that only operates through personal trainers. After speaking with the director of the gym, he matched me with one of his personal trainers and I start on Tuesday. I’ve been looking for something like this for a while now, because I’m at a place now where I really just feel like I can’t be my own cheerleader and supporter, so I need someone else to be there for me and to help me out. From this, I hope to find confidence in myself and mostly, I hope to be kinder to myself. I hope that I find solutions and build habits for the long-term. I was tired of feeling so upset and frustrated with myself, so I decided it was time to make a change. Let’s hope it’s for the better!

    If you’re interested in following the fitness journey, let me know! I’d love to share the progress (hopefully there is some) and the things I learn along the way. This could be interesting. Be kind to each other and yourselves this week. See you all next Sunday.

  • When Things Don’t Go Your Way: College Exams

    college exams

    So this past week, I had my first exam for my second semester of general chemistry. I studied super hard for it and took several practice tests. My study group and I worked through any confusion we had and just like that, Wednesday (exam day) rolled around. During the exam, I felt super confident. After the exam, I felt super confident. Seeing my grade on Friday, I didn’t feel confident at all. Why college exams?! Why??

    It was truly devastating to see my hard work go down the drain like that but sometimes you work really hard and you don’t get the results you asked for or worked toward. From what I’ve learned, that’s a part of life! It sucks, but you have to learn to move on and not make the same mistakes down the road.

    Hearing all of my friends do well on the exam crushed me and honestly, after seeing my grade, I was feeling pretty down. One of the things I learned from this experience is that grades matter, but they don’t define you. This is something that high school teachers drilled into our heads but it didn’t sink in until now. A test is a test and I know that I have a better understanding of the chemistry material than was reflected by my grade.

    Also, from this experience, I’ve learned that it’s okay to not say anything about how a test went. If a friend asks about how it goes, it’s honestly none of their business. My grade and circumstances are my grade and circumstances while their grades and circumstances are their own thing. For myself and other people who have been in this situation, it’s important to understand that we are our own human beings and we all mess up in our own ways. The only people we can compare ourselves to are ourselves.

    So now looking forward to this next exam, I’m not going to bite myself in the butt for my last unfortunate performance. I’m going to study just as hard and take what I’ve learned from this experience. The only way to go from here is up with my grade in chemistry. This isn’t the way I planned to start off my semester in general chemistry II but it is what it is!

    College exams can be a real kicker and sometimes, you don’t know what you’re going to get. You do know that you’ll always come away from an exam with more knowledge though, regardless of the outcome. This not only relates to college exams, but it can relate to many other things in life. It’s important to remember that you learn from everything you do and it’s all about a growth mindset. Keep this in mind!

    If you’ve got an idea for a blog post don’t be afraid to leave a comment on my new page, “Contact Me!”. You’ll find this page in the menu above. 🙂 And even if you don’t have an idea and just want to say hi or ask a question, that’s okay too. Have a good week everyone!

  • New Year’s Resolutions and Bob Ross Paintings

    resolutions

    I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I’d like to wish you all a very happy upcoming new year. 2019 is going to be a good one! My sister sure seems to think so considering that she graduates from high school. 🙂 For this upcoming year, there are a couple of resolutions I would like to make for myself. Most of my resolutions revolve around my personal appearance because that’s something that I really haven’t been happy with in the past. I’ve been working out really hard during my time at college and I have seen results losing around 15 lbs, but I know I can work even harder to really strive for the body I want.

    My first resolution, as sort of mentioned above revolves around my physical appearance. For those of you who have been around my blog for a long time, you will know that I dealt with foot and ankle injuries for two years and gained a lot of weight as a result of sitting for so long. I went from being a tri-sport, 125 lb girl to 160 lb person who felt unhappy and embarrassed with my appearance. For how active I used to be, I was disappointed with what I had become and I really wanted to change that. I personally feel like I became really unhealthy then, both physically and mentally, and I am still working to improve that.

    For this year, I would love to finally be happy with my body. With this in mind, the goal is to be healthy, not to lose weight. I’ve found that if I focus on the numbers, I become discouraged or frustrated and that puts me in a bad place. If I focus more on the various workouts I do and the foods I eat and an overall change to have a healthier lifestyle, I think that the changes I make will become more permanent and better for me mentally and physically. By keeping my mind happy and keeping workouts fun but challenging, I know that I can stick to this resolution.

    Another resolution I have is to experiment more with my clothing. I have a lot of really cute clothing that I’ve gathered over the years and I feel like my lack of confidence has prevented me from wearing what I really want to wear. I really like a lot of cute tops and dresses and I’ve never really caught onto all the short shorts and crop top stuff but I feel like my typical leggings and a t-shirt or sweatpants just isn’t what I want to wear all the time. CONFIDENCE is going to be key for 2019. I want to gain the confidence to be the person I know I truly am and wear all of the cute stuff I have!

    In addition to these resolutions, I would like to read more books this year. Getting ready for college and then actually starting college left me so so so busy and I feel that I missed out on a lot of reading this past year. I love reading and something that I’ve always enjoyed using as a way to relax. It’s important to step away from the screens and studying and take time to enjoy a good book and I’m going to make that happen this year!

    Now some of you might be asking about the title of this post. How do Bob Ross paintings fit into all of this? Well they don’t really fit into the whole idea of resolutions, but my sister and I just got done painting one of Bob Ross’s paintings. We followed one of his episodes and it was SUPER fun but oh boy, oil paint is MESSY! We still had a lot of fun and got some pretty cool paintings out of it. Maybe I’ll share a picture of those paintings when I get a chance. They’re going to need some time to dry and maybe then I’ll post it.

    Well I hope you all have a wonderful New Year’s Eve and I wish you all only the best in 2019!

  • Setters Have to Have Many Abilities and Qualities

    Setters are the coaches on the floor. They lead the team and they touch every second ball on their side. Someone with a position that important has to be a person and player with many abilities and qualities. Here are a few of the abilities and qualities setters should have.

    • Servant Leadership: Setters have to lead the team by serving them. They are not selfish, but selfless. Everything they do is for the team and not just themselves.
    • Work Ethic: Setters have to be the hardest workers on their team. Getting every second ball requires a lot of work so they have to be willing to work hard.
    • Deception: As a setter, the job is to set up your hitters with a chance to score and win. By being deceptive, a setter can hold the block and create holes in the defense. This creates a better chance for the hitters to score.
    • Creativity: Setters have to be creative with their sets and all that they do so that the defense is always on their toes, guessing where the next set will go. Setters have to have different moves to get to different balls. Like a setter might do a spin move to get to a close, low ball and might use an outside foot stop move to get to a really low ball that might put them off-balance.
    • A Positive Attitude: As the team leader, a setter has to be encouraging and positive with fellow teammates. They have to have an optimistic attitude. This creates a lighter, happier mood on the court and it can keep the team strong and prevent players from getting down.
    • Communication/Vocal Leadership: Setters have to communicate with their teammates. They have to be able to tell their teammates what play they plan to run and what your opponents are doing with the block and such. This could be in a form of hand signals or actual words.
    • Confidence: Confidence is something a setter MUST have. At the higher levels of volleyball, have you ever seen a setter afraid to make a set or a setter who just isn’t proud of their skills? Of course not! Setters have to believe in their skills and know they are great players.

    There are many things that make setters the great players. Setters have to be servant leaders, hard-working players, deceptive, creative, positive and encouraging, communicative, and confident. These abilities and qualities are some of the things that make setters stand out. Without these few things, what would a setter be?

    Setters Have to Have Many Abilities and Qualities